Axe Murder

For my family, a trip to the local Walmart is like a scene out of an Indiana Jones movie - there's running, screaming, heroics, minor injury, cynical humour and the odd romantic moment. Fortunately, no one dies.

Well, not yet anyways.

Last week's adventure was no exception. We stopped at the McD's on our way out as a special treat for the kids (and us). We were a little short of change, so we bought just 3 sundaes, one for each child, even though I had a hot fudge craving like you wouldn't believe. Surely, I thought, I can just take a little scoop of my kids' sundaes, right?

Wrong.

My lovely 2-yr-old daughter was a *little* ticked off that mommy had a spoonful of her hot fudge sundae. I swear she didn't even SEE it happen...we appropriately distracted her and while her head was turned I took a quick spoonful and shoved it in my mouth. But she KNEW. Maybe it was the guilty look on my face. Maybe it was the fact that 1/20th of her sundae was now missing. Maybe it was because the boys were pointing at me accusingly. I will never know. But she knew I did it, and that was a BAD thing.

Oh yes, there was screaming. Oh yes, there was public humiliation. Oh yes, there was food thrown. My genteel little one smashed her fists on the table and then sprung out of our booth and sprawled on the floor yelling like it was the end of the universe - over one frigging spoonful of icecream.(Did I mention the boys started to eat faster at this point?)

So, me and Miss. Hissyfit made a quick escape to the little girls room, where she was able to yell in an enclosed space that echoed. My ears are still ringing.

But shit, that was good icecream!

As an aside, during this same trip, I finally came across those male body sprays that they are furiously advertising on TV these days. You know, the ones that have women literally attacking men because, like a bunch of horny canines in heat, we can't resist the smell of a man wearing the stuff.

(I personally find these commercials terribly offensive - not just for objectifying women, but for reducing them to the level of lust-crazed violent animals. If it was men piling on a woman, it would be an episode of Law & Order: SVU.)

Well, I am pleased to report that the stuff, every flavour of it, smells like crap. Unless you like the smells of "formaldehyde", "instant migraine" and "public urinal". One of them even smells somewhat like homeless unshowered male bodily fluids... (oh so very sexy and IRRESTIBLE)... but I will let YOU figure out which one.

Maybe the girls in the ads are attacking the man to kill him???

Corruption 101

I am so excited -- my husband started a blog! He's new at this, so let's give him a warm blogland welcome! You'll see his take on life is just as "offbeat" as mine is, which is why we get along so well. He's at Cat's Trains.

I also recently introduced a friend to the addictive world of instant messaging (IM). I guess I'm a techno nerd and I want everyone to come over to my playground to play!

Now, who else can I corrupt???

Karma Queen

This Meme was sent to me by my creative writer-friend Mark. (Yay! Let's be honest - I LOVE talking about myself!) I will be doing another one from Abandoned in Pasadena next time, because Mark asked me just a couple of minutes before Sandy did. I feel like that awkward girl who has been ignored by all the boys, and suddenly, everyone is asking me to the prom ~~~ and I say YES! and YES! and YES! I can juggle ALL these hot dates!

3 Names U go By: Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, Sweetie, 7-ft Russian Woman from Siberia

3 Screen Names U Have Had: Franny, Director, the Legend

3 Things U Like about Yourself: intelligent, peacemaker, ability to effectively instruct Karma to rain vengeance upon my enemies and the enemies of my friends.

3 Things U Don’t Like about Yourself: Rage issues, moody, zits at my age!

3 Parts of Your Heritage: Canadian, Roman & Sicilian

3 Things that Scare U: someone seeing through my confident facade, child molesters, authority figures

3 of Your Everyday Essentials: my girlfriends, naps, my kids laughing

3 Things U are Wearing Right Now: grey pinstripe suit, pink tank top, pink "everything else"

3 of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists: Blue Rodeo, Sarah McLachlan, Jann Arden

3 of Your Favorite Songs: "Try" by Blue Rodeo, "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman, "Walkin in Memphis" by Mark Cohn.

3 Things U Want to Try in the Next 12 Months: keep a clean house, renovate the clean house, say goodbye to diapers FOR-FREAKIN-EVER

3 Things You Want in a Relationship: Fun, friendship, teamwork

2 Truths and a Lie: I've eaten more than my share of bug spray, i've had mosquito bites where the sun don't shine, these were achieved while doing something totally legal

3 Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to U: (abilty to sing me arias, curly untamed hair, youth & inexperience, heh heh heh...

3 Things about the Same Sex that Appeal to U: down-to-earth, funny, honest

3 Things U Just Cannot Do: let it go when i'm right, let it go when i'm wrong, not protect my kids

3 of Your Favorite Hobbies: playing guitar, designing websites, KARAOKE!

3 Things U Want to do Really Bad Right Now: run away screaming and laughing maniacally, bitch-slap my old boss, lead all the students in the library in a chorus of "Tell Me on a Sunday Please"

3 Careers U are Considering: Ship's Counselor, Canadian Idol hopeful, psychic hotline operator

3 Places You Want to Go on Vacation: a b&b in a european castle, alaskan cruise, disneyworld

3 Kid’s Names: Syphillis, Gonnorhea, Clap (that will keep their hands off my daughter!)

3 Things U Want to Do Before U Die: show my hubby how much i love him, see my grandchildren drive my kids crazy, make all my friends rich

3 Ways U are Stereotypically a Boy: I like computers, i love chicken wings, i find women beautiful

3 Ways U are Stereotypically a Chick: i cry, i bitch, i gossip

3 Celeb Crushes: Ewan MacGregor, Joaquin Phonix, Daniel Radcliffe (chastely)

3 People U Would Like to Complete This Quiz: Kim, Magda, Cataldo

It Takes a Village

Those of you who read "Small Glories" (scroll down) might appreciate this update...I saw my 13-yr old neighbor outside (the one who I suspected of smoking) and called him over. It went something like this:

Me: Hey 'Shawn', that wasn't you I saw the other day smoking was it? Because you wouldn't do something like that, would you?

Shawn: No...I wouldn't do that...

Me: Good. Because it looked a lot like you and I was really worried. Smoking is SO bad for you.

Shawn: Umm...maybe you saw my older sister? We kinda look alike...and she smokes.

Me: Oh she does? Well, I'm so sorry I mistook you two. But man, you should tell her to quit, tell her its not good. I know so many people who got sick...

Shawn: Ok.

At this point his mother pulled up the driveway and I waved nervously and quickly walked away. I guess I thought I was done for! A mother catching another mother scolding HER son!?

Anyhow, the next day I saw his mom outside and I apologetically confessed everything. And do you know what she did.......?
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She THANKED ME! Profusely! She said it was truly wonderful that we were cultivating a "village" mentality... that in her home country, everyone looked out for the kids whether they were theirs or not... that sometimes the "humilation" works better than all the scolding in the world! I felt so rewarded, so vindicated, so...happy! Though we both agreed that it was a case of mistaken identity, (she is aware that her daughter smokes and wants her to quit) she admitted that she hoped my 2 cents would help in the long run. BTW, her son had not told her the topic of our discussion, possibly because he was embarassed????

Anyhow, I told her I hoped she would do the same for me and my kids if ever she saw them in trouble. She was all teary-eyed. It was such a Hallmark moment!

It's good to know we're looking out for each other, especially with an escape-artist in the house...

Sweet Rabbit

Easter always reminds me of a time at the old bookstore. Mark and I and our always generous, congenial boss were moving an octogonal display unit that must've weighed 1000 lbs with all the books on it. Naturally, we didn't take the books off, but carried/dragged this sucker all the way down the center aisle. (This was before we had kids and hernias and grey hair.)

Anyhow, it was around Easter, and we were joking about how politically correct/non-religious our Easter decorations were. I vividly remember Mark grabbing a stuffed bunny from the top of this unit and shaking it and shouting at it "Did you die on the cross for us? Did you die for our sins? Huh, did you?"

I don't think I ever laughed so hard in my life!

Now, I may not have all the details correct - but that situation is so alive in my memory, its like it just happened! Even 9 years later my husband and I joke regularly about 'bunnies on the cross' come Easter time.

Now that little drama was funny because it was just damn funny, but it was also funny because it was true. Like Jon Stewart is funny because he ain't lying about the news.

Anyhow, this year I'm giving my kids chocolate eggs and bubbles in a basket. (Ok, I was GOING TO give them chocolate eggs but there was an accident where they unwrapped themselves and 'fell' into my mouth. And I wasted a whole bottle of bubbles blowing them into the bathtub for my own amusement.) Ha ha, wouldn't it be funny if the kids woke up to empty easter baskets on Easter morning?

Yeah, you're right, that's mean.

Anyhow, Happy Easter to you and your families, whatever your religion or beliefs. I think as long as you feel a deeper meaning in your heart, then Easter is alive and well.

Oh, and may the bunny bless you all.

Small Glories

Today I saw my 13-yr-old neighbor smoking. Just walking down the street, puffing at a cigarette like it was the most natural thing in the world to do. I stared out the window, wanting to scream at him, wanting to pull the blinds so my kids didn't see. Wanting to rat him out to his mom.

Today I saw two teenage girls at the grocery store, an infant on each of their hips. These girls were tiny waifs, and they were dolled up in cakes of makeup and tiny skirts and pounds of jewelry. They looked like whores.

Today I saw people on TV talking about Mexican immigrants like they were chattel. Smiling, with that twang in their voices, opposing crack-downs on illegal immigrants because the Mexicans will work for peanuts. "Real Americans don't want those jobs", the man said. Like Americans were people and Mexicans were not.

But today my 2-yr-old son said "I love you too". He also tried to tell me a knock-knock joke but he doesn't really get the concept yet - but don't worry, I laughed! He chased me down with his slippers in hand so I would put them on him, and then grinned from ear to ear like I had just made his day when I did. He sat on my head when I laid down on the couch. He giggled like crazy when I changed his diaper. He asked me to scratch his back, and then giggled some more when I did. He put my husband's Captain Kirk figurine in a little truck and took him for a spin.

What a wonderful world.

Showdown at the Mystery Hotel

Me 1: I've been challenged to write no more than 300 words inspired by this photo. What to do?
Me 2: Blood and gore and guts!
Me 1: But I just ate. How about something sweet and coming-of-agey?
Me 2: Meh.
Me 1: What about an animal tale? Everyone loves animal stories!
Me 2: You are full of shit, you know that?
Me 1: What the hell's your problem?
Me 2: SHH! I'm thinking...hey, how about a coming-of-age tale with animals AND they all die a painful gory death in the end?
Me 1: Umm...
Me 2: It's bloody genius! I'll bet no one's done it yet!
Me 1: But what does that have to do with the picture exactly?
Me 2: SHHH! I'm thinking...ok...there's this wolf, see, and it's rabid - no - angry - and it's seeking revenge for the death of – ok, wait a minute - why are you making that face?
Me 1: What face?
Me 2: THAT face!
Me 1: What face? I didn't make a face!
Me 2: You are so fucking annoying, you know that?
Me 1: What the hell? I didn't even make a -
Me 2: SHH! I'm thinking! So...the tiger wants revenge...
Me 1: It's a wolf.
Me 2: Who the hell asked you!? Now its a tiger!
Me 1: Ok, you show me where you see a tiger in that picture!
Me 2: Well I would GET to that if you would stop friggin interrupting me!
Me 1: Ok. Fine. Whatever. If you're so smart, you do all the work!
Me 2: Fine! My idea is better than your stupid-ass idea about the animals anyways!
Me 1: But you have a TIGER! That's an animal!
Me 2: It's a LION-now shut up! We only have 300 words here -

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

My son just won the Christianity Award at school! Mind you, the first thing he did with his little pewter crucifix was wave it madly in the air and yell at his classmates "IN YOUR FACE!"

*Sigh*.

This little award has been a looong time in coming. You see, my son has a classmate, let's call him 'Lester'...now Lester wins a lot of awards. Lester is a good Christian ALL the time. Lester's mom volunteers at the school every day and makes the awesome cakes for the bake sale. Lester's dad is a cop and comes in to talk to the students on career day. They even take pictures in his squad car.

I am so tired of hearing about Lester, because Lester is obviously a perfect student and a perfect child, and his family is a friggin beacon of friggin perfection. And the teacher is in love with perfect Lester and his family. Every day I hear my son complain about how Lester gets all the rewards, and how the teacher always wants him to act like Lester. You see, Lester is patient and cooperative and obeys all the rules. My son is not. (That is why Lester wins the awards - he EARNS them.)

So I tried to explain to my son that he too should try to be patient and cooperative and obey all the rules. But my son preferred a more Machiavellian approach: he would watch Lester closely, waiting for a slip-up, and then rat out the "perfect" child.

Did I mention that this is Junior Kindergarden?

Anyhow, my son has grown up a lot in the past few weeks. He's given up on the 'trash Lester' mission, and decided 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'. And he did it! He won the damned - I mean, blessed - award! So I am happy in two ways: proud that my son has done so well, and relieved that he now realizes that he is just as good and just as precious as Lester.

Ok, and the fact that the perfect little family got their asses kicked! Ha! So much for little Mrs. Bake Sale! Well guess what? The kids like my store-bought brownies just as much! And Mr. Police Officer, why don't you spend more time POLICING the streets instead of acting friggin macho for 4-yr-olds, eh? Yeah, that's right, I'd rather sleep than do career day! I am just too friggin tired! So there! This award goes out to the overtired overworked half-asses everywhere!

Wow, that feels better.




Oh, and congratulations sweetie. I am so proud of you.