Monday, March 26, 2007

Enemy Mine

I have seen the face of evil. It haunts my dreams, keeps me up at night, throws wrenches into my carefully laid plans and drags me into pits of broken dreams and teary despair. Everytime I try to get out, it pulls me back in, and the enemy is so smooth, so subtle and ever-changing that I cannot possibly defeat it.

My He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has a name. It is... ... ...

"The Guys At Work"

*Franny shudders, looks over shoulder*

Whenever I have a dream, "the guys at work" try to take it away. "The guys at work" are very slowly and deliberately dismantling my carefully constructed life. For example:

Me: Honey, would you call the electrician to upgrade the box?
Hubby: No need darling! The guys at work said I could do it myself for half the cost!
Me: *facepalm*

Me: I really think we should just buy a new car.
Hubby: Oh you know what the guys at work said? All I need is some duct tape and throat lozenges and the car will run just fine!
Me: *facepalm*

Me: How was your day?
Hubby: The guys at work say the mole on my arm is suspicious, that I don't drink enough beer and that a woman should be barefoot and obedient. Oh, and that real men don't change diapers or do laundry.
Me: Are the guys at work married?
Hubby: No. Divorced and playing video games and living with their mothers.
Me: *smile*

Okay guys at work. I'm on to you. I know you are trying to destroy my life, my marriage and my happiness. You are trying to convert my husband into being as miserable as the rest of you. You are filling his little head with visions of biopsies and do-it-yourselfing and chauvanistic ideals. But I have something over you.

I sleep with the guy. And no matter how much you "care" about my hubby, and give him "helpful" advice and "support" him, you can't give him the good stuff. So I win.

Repair your mom's electrical, you bastards.


At 12:54 AM , Blogger thisisme said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha. The guys at work are evil and must be destroyed. The guys at work are responsible for scary drinking moments, disturbing DVD recommendations, appalling jokes and bad product suggestions.

At 4:35 AM , Blogger jellyhead said...

he he he! Too funny! I'm sure this is a male thing - I get told that so-and-so at work spends hours away from home doing X, Y and Z (always an example of how much easier I have it, being married to Fatty)

Luckily, I can always counter with stories of horror wives I know of who won't let their husbands do A, B or C, let alone X or Y. ;-)

At 10:27 AM , Blogger Pope's Apprentice said...

I guess I'm some sort of cultural phenomenon. I have *NEVER* heeded the advice of The Guys at Work; in fact, *I* am *their* antithesis in the male world. I am The Sensible Listener. I listen to my wife, and do the sensible thing. I treat my wife as an equal, and with respect. I am not being pompous or bragging, it's really true. The Guys at Work have even threatened to take my "Guy Card" away, because their wives have seen how happy and well-treated *MY* wife is, and of course, they ask their husbands, "Why can't you be more like *HIM* ??" haha. I think that this is (in part) what leads to their eventual downfall, and their return to their mothers' houses.

Of course, my role is only a cursory one. The Guys at Work gain even more power in exile, and every time they convert another husband, their power grows even more. So it's up to smart cookies like you to fight the main brunt of this epic battle, haha.

You did a great job, Franny. I highly enjoyed this most current post.

At 9:07 PM , Blogger jellyhead said...

PS Franny - I tagged you for a meme. But it's a really, really easy one, truly. And of course, there's always the option to completely ignore the tag (tag? what tag?) - an option I myself choose to take rather frequently!

At 6:09 AM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

Franny, I love your wicked sense of humor. Because husband is retired, I really don't have to listen to "the guys at work say" anymore. I just have to listen to old, old (many times told) stories of what happened umpteen years ago at work and what the guys at work did and said. I say, get over it and shut up already. Sometimes I just have to stick my fingers in my ears and sing la, la, la, la really, really loudly or send my mind into outerspace so I pretend I'm listening but I'm really not. Works every time.

At 1:00 PM , Blogger Cat said...

Hey, watch it! Those guys are gods and they tell me everyday! In fact, how dare I even consider...okay, they left the room. Yeah, they're a bunch of idiots here. Like c'mon, duct tape, lozenges and a toothpick to fix my engine rumble? And what should I use to fix the breaks, a banana peel! As well, this place is running rampant with conspiracy nuts. Oh don't eat the raisins in Raisin Bran! They contain microchips that tell big business how often you blink, so that they could force you to wear glasses made of velcro! There are a few guys here who actually admit that they love their wives, and they mocked bad. I'm sure it's to hide their insecurities, and their inability to communicate with something other than their remotes and their penises (peni for plural?). Oh crap, they're coming back into the room... and a final thing, it rocks living in mom's basement!

At 6:48 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

well the guys at work better get used to living in Mom's basement, because guys like those at work will NEVER get a girl!

And we all know that girls are smarter. (I mean I don't own a car and I still know that duct tape and lozenges won't fix anything!)

At 8:28 PM , Blogger velvet girl said...

Wow, that's tough to deal with! Good luck in your own personal struggle. ;)

Thankfully, hubby doesn't listen to The Guys at Work. Instead, he says that he'll take care of something and I finally end up doing it because it never seems to get done otherwise. I suppose that works out okay in the long run because things get done the way that I want them to. So, Guys At Work, take that!

At 11:01 PM , Blogger Sandy said...

Although Jimmy is retired there are still guys like the guys at work. They are now his retired, "you can do it yourself much cheaper" friends. As long as guys hang out with guys, you will always hear what the guys have to say.

Luckily my husband is a do it yourself kind of guy who will actually finish what he starts and if he can't do it, he will hire someone who can.

At 9:48 PM , Blogger Amuse said...

My Opah (grandpa) used to fix anything with duct tape and an old hanger. And his lifelong friend Gordon was always there to help. .. used to put my Omie, a good old-fashioned German Mennonite housekeeper, in a fine mood let me tell you! Ha ha!

At 11:19 PM , Blogger Rainypete said...

Yeah, I don't listen to the guy sat work so much. Might have a lot to do with the fact that the bulk of them are 20 or so, but it's more likely because I haven't been in the presence of a finer collection of tools since a tour of a Snap On Tools van.


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