Monday, January 08, 2007

Other People's Resolutions

I've spent the last 8 days determining what other people's resolutions for the new year are, just by "studying" their behaviour in their natural habitat. I am proud to list my findings below:

My son Joey resolved to give his mom a heart attack by offering to scrub crayon off of all the walls, and then thoroughly enjoying doing it.

The evil bitch at work resolved to be eviller and more bitchy, ensuring herself a spot in Satan's All-Damned Lava backstroke competition.

My nice coworker resolved to get me to run off with him to Tahiti by the end of the week by doing all my tasks for me while I was off sick.

My husband resolved to be cute and scruffy. (He's faithfully kept this resolution for 14 years and counting.)

My son Nicky resolved to be more affectionate, while his twin sister resolved to suck the life out of her exasperated parents with her unreasonable emotional demands.

The girl at McDonald's resolved to ask every customer four times what they ordered, and then screw the order up anyways. Her boss resolved to encourage this behavior.

My son's fish resolved to commit suicide.

Oh, and every single Walmart in Southern Ontario resolved NOT TO HAVE ANY FRIGGING REPLACEMENT FISH RELATIVELY THE SAME COLOR AND SIZE AS THE ORIGINAL FISH WHICH I NEED TO REPLACE BEFORE MR. WALL-CLEANER FINDS OUT THAT HIS PET BIT THE BIG ONE!

Just call me a student of human nature...

7 Comments:

At 12:51 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

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At 12:52 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

My, my, you've had a busy week. BTW, don't even THINK about running off to Tahiti with that "nice" co-worker. He only did all that stuff to get on your good side -- don'tcha know.

I think we should all boycott Mickey D's because they do the same thing here. It must be in their hiring manual to only hire people who not only can't add, can't make change (without the aid of an automated cash register), and can't get an order straight if they tried. Some of them can't even say "Thank you" for giving them some job security.

I'm really sorry about your poor fishy. Did I ever tell you the story of the time my plecostomus (who was rather large) died and I sent him to a watery grave in the toilet? Husband was trying to unclog that sucker for about four hours. All I could say was "ooops."

Have a great day anyway.

P.S. I resolve not to tell bad dead fish stories any more this year.

 
At 3:41 PM , Blogger Christopher said...

Your nice co-worker probably made some sort of big screwup that affects you that you haven't yet discovered, and he is trying to cover his trail. Don't trust 'em any further than you can throw 'em.

If you were caught up on your literature, you would have known better than to go to Mickey D's. If you consult Dante's Inferno, Cantica I, Canto XXXIV, you will find: "Behold, the great beast Satan, and beneath his armpit, a golden arch, upon which was impaled a greedy merchant, devoid of kindness, and utterly lacking in knowledge of Latin, The Social Graces, and Mathematics..."

You really should be more on the ball. *wink*

 
At 4:37 PM , Blogger jellyhead said...

So, there's both good and bad all around you in this very New Year. Snaps to your co-worker, your sons and your husband!

And I am crossing my fingers you found the perfect replacement fish!!!

 
At 6:38 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

oh no! benny...the, what was he the 6th? bit the big one?! That's so sad.

Good Luck on finding the similar looking replacement.

 
At 2:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooh, too bad about the fish! That's a tough one.

Nicky and his sister are being so yin and yang... does this make it balance out?

Love the new look, btw.

-velvet

 
At 6:27 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch, your ability to accurately sum up human nature causes me much pain when laughing. Thanks :)

Run off to Tahiti as fast as you can, just take your husband (or Alan) - surely they get bonus points for consistency. After all, someone needs to get you those umbrella drinks. Mmmm ... umbrella drinks, Alan and Tahiti. Sorry, drifted off for a moment there, where was I?

Loving the new background too.

 

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