Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Thickness is Irrelevant, It's the LENGTH That Counts

Mark Leslie's Silly Christmas Lyric meme

So I have been tagged for this awesome meme by my author buddy Mark Leslie.

The Rules: Pick a Christmas lyric that you've always had a question about and discuss it. Then either tag one or more people or either tag nobody and invite your readers to tag themselves and enjoy discussing the subject on their own.

Now you all know how much I always have to say about this and that, and Christmas lyrics really get my goat. They say that the less someone understands, the more they SEEM to know, and I am no exception to this. The Christmas Song Lyrics I would like to address are from every desperate housewife's favourite carol:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

"And I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus,
underneath his beard so snowy white..."


My question is, how long is this beard exactly? If it's short and trim, we can assume that this is a G-rated song and no harm done. But if you're like me, I always imagined Santa with a Father Christmas-y super-long, knee-length beard. So if mommy is tickling Santa UNDER this beard, what the fuck exactly is she tickling? And why is Santa grinning stupidly? And where's daddy in all of this?

Speaking of daddy...

"Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen,
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!"


Frankly, I don't think daddy would be laughing. I think daddy would be friggin' pissed off that he had just been cuckolded by a 500-year old reclusive prowler. And think about that poor child creeping on the stairs! That kid would get an earful of adjectives about his/her whore of a mother, and then the kid would need therapy for the rest of his/her life because he/she witnessed daddy accosting Santa and shoving the damned mistletoe where the sun don't shine.

But that's just me.

***

For this fun little meme, I tag Jellyhead, Velvet Girl and thisisme. Go get 'em ladies!

12 Comments:

At 1:15 PM , Blogger Mark Leslie said...

Oh Franny - I knew I could count on you for a hilarious view! That one's always bothered me as well . . . either the kid is pissed that Santa isn't real and it's just Daddy under that red coat, or it really is Santa and Mommy is a Ho!

 
At 3:56 PM , Blogger jellyhead said...

You know, I had never analysed this particular Christmas carol. Now that you have forced me to, I am disturbed. We are singing this carol with CHILDREN!! How awful, how horrifying!

Thanks for tagging me, Franny. Give me a day or so ....I'm on it!

 
At 4:14 PM , Blogger Alipurr said...

you are soo funny

i always assumed that the santa was the daddy, and never gave it another thought.

 
At 9:51 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

leave it you to come up with the twisted view of a once innocent song.

 
At 12:59 PM , Blogger Rainypete said...

I'm telling you, that bearded man's just evil!!

 
At 3:16 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooh, thanks for tagging me - give me a day or so and I'm so there.

Loving your work on that one though - you've taken it that one step further than I ever did :)

 
At 10:13 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey you know when you are a kid, the Santa vs. Daddy line is a pretty clear cut case ... there is Daddy and then there is Santa ... I used to hate this song when I was a little girl because I was like, if I see my mom kissing some other guy (even if it is Santa) there's going to be trouble! Cuz if that's the case then Santa should be on the "naughty" list himself ... and stop judging other people :P

 
At 7:20 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Franny, I nearly didn't get dinner tonight because of your post. I was explaining it to the boy, and he was laughing so hard that the pan he was cooking in tipped and most of the ingredients ended up on the stove. He is loving your work though :)

 
At 12:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

This song always rubbed me the wrong way, too. It's just wrong on so many levels! Assuming that Santa is real, Mom is a ho (or is she a ho ho ho?), the family is going to end up on divorce court, and the kid is going to end up in therapy.

I had never thought about the beard length before. Hmmm. Come to think of it, in some pictures it is rather long. I don't even want to get a visual on that. Ew!

Thanks for the tag, Franny! I had fun with this one. :)

 
At 6:45 AM , Blogger jellyhead said...

Franny, my life is kind of hectic right now, so I have been a bad, bad girl, and not posted about your meme. I was thinking of doing one about Frosty the Snowman, but never got around to it.

When I went to read Velvet Girl's take on the whole 'freaky Christmas carol' meme, I found that great minds think alike! However, I added my contribution in the comments section. So I KINDA did the meme...

Forgive me!

 
At 9:42 AM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

I was reviewing some "traditional" Christmas songs this morning and came across the following. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
dr. Elmo, 1979, dr. Elmo's Twisted Christmas

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and grandpa we believe.
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
and we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication, and she
staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found her Christmas morning,
at the scene of the attack,
she had hoof-prints on her forehead,
and incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Now we're all so proud of grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
drinking root beer and
playing cards with Cousin Mel.
It's not Christmas without Grandma,
All the family's dressed in black
and we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts,
or send them back?
Send them back!!

Now the goose is on the table
and the pudding made of fig
and the blue and silver candles
that would just have matched
the hair on grandma's wig.
I've warned all my
friends and neighbors
better watch out for yourselves,
they should never give a license
to a man who drives a sleigh
and plays with elves.

How's that for twisted, sister?

Merry Christmas and happy Chanukah.

 
At 11:35 AM , Blogger lime said...

you make an EXCELLENT point! i always figured snata was daddy too but yeah, i'm doubting he'd be giggling....lots of vocab expansion for the tots....

 

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