Friday, December 29, 2006

(Black and) Blue Christmas

I am so proud! I had a black eye for Christmas! I have never had a black eye before, but this shiner shone brighter than all the lights on our street. Besides having to explain to everyone that I am NOT an abused wife*, we had a lovely holiday. My family came over for breakfast on Christmas morning, and we did all the family stuff, played games (my dad even joined in), told some jokes, sang some short, I was the life of the party, which is how it should be.

I was absolutely spoiled rotten with gifts this year, but I think we overdid it all around. That's okay, the Mastercard fairy will be pleased with us.

And just in case you're wondering (I know you are!!!), the black eye was courtesy of my son Nicky. In a moment of overwhelming affection, he ran towards me and drilled me with his head, right in the cheekbone**. Now that really friggin HURT but I had no idea that cheekbone injury = black eye, so when I told my hubby I would likely get a black eye because it hurt so much, I was JOKING. But just like how I was JOKING when I told my sister I was in labour with my first child, it turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyhow, the head ramming incident was more than a week ago, and my eye still looks (and feels) awful. It's now purple with a touch of yellow around the edges. I enjoy waking up every morning and hearing my hubby ooh and ahh at the new and exciting colours of my face.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday too!

* Q: How do you know if Franny's been abused?
Her husband's in intensive care!

** Nicky was not injured. He apparently has a head made of cinderblock.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


We were at my mother-in-law's house, decorating her Christmas tree on the weekend. She's been a widow now for more than 20 years, and I thought it would be a nice gesture to bring over all of my loud, rambunctious children to her quiet house to assist with decking the halls.

Anyhow, I was amazed at the ornaments she had, still in the original boxes, from 30+ years ago. Browned, faded cardboard boxes from department stores that had long since closed down. I imagined each year, she would lovingly replace each ornament in the exact right place in the exact right box that it was purchased in. I wondered if she she still remembered buying those ornaments when her children were young.

Anyhow, at the bottom of a box, lovingly wrapped, I located her nativity set. I put the stable on a small endtable and proceeded to unwrap all of the figures and animals, my 5-year old son assisting. When we were done, all the figures were posed in a perfect tableau, so that you could see every one of their faces as they all looked out peacefully over the livingroom.

"How does it look?" I asked Joey.

He stared at the nativity scene pensively. And before I could stop him, he started moving and rearranging all of the figures.

"Joey, just leave it alone!" I begged.

"No, mommy, wait." He said, putting the finishing touches on his creation. When he stepped away, all the figures were turned, their backs to the livingroom.

"What did you do that for?" I exclaimed angrily. "I had them all perfect!"

"But Mommy," he said in a small voice, "shouldn't they all be watching baby Jesus?"

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Thickness is Irrelevant, It's the LENGTH That Counts

Mark Leslie's Silly Christmas Lyric meme

So I have been tagged for this awesome meme by my author buddy Mark Leslie.

The Rules: Pick a Christmas lyric that you've always had a question about and discuss it. Then either tag one or more people or either tag nobody and invite your readers to tag themselves and enjoy discussing the subject on their own.

Now you all know how much I always have to say about this and that, and Christmas lyrics really get my goat. They say that the less someone understands, the more they SEEM to know, and I am no exception to this. The Christmas Song Lyrics I would like to address are from every desperate housewife's favourite carol:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

"And I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus,
underneath his beard so snowy white..."

My question is, how long is this beard exactly? If it's short and trim, we can assume that this is a G-rated song and no harm done. But if you're like me, I always imagined Santa with a Father Christmas-y super-long, knee-length beard. So if mommy is tickling Santa UNDER this beard, what the fuck exactly is she tickling? And why is Santa grinning stupidly? And where's daddy in all of this?

Speaking of daddy...

"Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen,
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!"

Frankly, I don't think daddy would be laughing. I think daddy would be friggin' pissed off that he had just been cuckolded by a 500-year old reclusive prowler. And think about that poor child creeping on the stairs! That kid would get an earful of adjectives about his/her whore of a mother, and then the kid would need therapy for the rest of his/her life because he/she witnessed daddy accosting Santa and shoving the damned mistletoe where the sun don't shine.

But that's just me.


For this fun little meme, I tag Jellyhead, Velvet Girl and thisisme. Go get 'em ladies!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Reason to Cry

I was going to post something about the holidays and decorations today, but I can't do it. There is a pressing weight upon me as I write. I've spent a lot of this afternoon on the verge of tears because of a local incident involving a mother and child murder/suicide. * IF * you can stomach the details, the article is here. Here's a small exerpt:

"A woman who experiences such an episode may believe she must take the child's life as well because there is no one else to care for him," said suicide expert Paul Links. "That's a sign of a significant mental health problem."

I don't know this woman, I don't know her child, but I wish she had called me. I just wish she had...I could have helped...I know I could have done something...

For when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Unlikely Pet

I want an octopus for a pet. I would raise it from a baby and it would live in my house (yes I know they are sea creatures, but this is my little fantasy). Then I could say to people, have you met my pet "Otto"? And they'll say "No" and I'll say "C'mere Otto" and then this giant octopus stalks into the room.

That would be neat.

So...what (unlikely) pet do you want and why?