Because I want to start the New Year with a clean slate and a clean conscience, I have decided to apologize for all the stupid and annoying things I have done all year (well the ones I can remember anyways). I will try to offer explanations for my poor behavior whenever possible:
To the stray cat that I fed the provolone to: I'm sorry - I didn't know about cats and cheese.
To the hairdresser who I told I was a lesbian going to med school and that I used to model for Guess before the "accident": I'm sorry - I was really bored.
To my husband who always eats whatever I cook even if it tastes a little odd: I'm sorry - I was very angry.
To the kids next door who keep trespassing in my yard and then got locked in by accident and yelled for help for over 1/2 hour until I came outside to release them: I'm sorry - I can be a *little* hard of hearing.
To the mother of the parking officer who gave me a ticket: I'm sorry - it wasn't personal, though you should have spanked your son more as a child.
To the short little childless man who criticized my child-rearing skills: I'm sorry - ok, I'm NOT sorry! Afterall, I've said nothing that years of therapy and a little medication can't fix.
To the makers of Playdoh and Crayola crayons: I'm sorry - I understand that your products were not meant to be used in that way.
To my blog readers who read my stuff: I'm sorry - though I really get my jollies out of making you wonder about the details...
There you have it. Some may forgive me, and some may not. But you might want to stay on my good side because when I am rich, I can help you pay for any therapy and/or gastrointestinal surgery that I may be (mostly) responsible for. Cheers!