A Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
They say that if you're really good you get lots of presents. I regret to inform you that the North Pole will have to declare bankruptcy because I have been SO good this year. For your convenience, I have itemized all of my major gift requests according to what I have done to earn them:
1. For not selling my children to the gypsies when my son peed on the floor in Fortinos and my other son rolled around laughing in the puddle while my toddler daughter shoplifted in the next aisle, I would like an all expense paid cruise to Hawaii (first class suite by the way).
2. For decorating our Chrismas tree without committing any felonies while my 3 kids were screaming and crying and fighting my husband was ranting up and down about the broken/tangled/mismatched Christmas lights, I would like THREE male masseuses, young, good-looking, and drunk enough to think I am still hot.
3. For changing 1,587 diapers (and counting), losing 590 hours of sleep, being puked on 14 times, and trading my hot little teal Sunbird for a gigantic filthy minivan, I would like a unicorn. A flying unicorn please.
4. For honouring my marriage vows in spite of many other offers (ok, ONE other offer, and he was fat and bald and perverted, but STILL) and not changing the locks on my husband when I had SO much reason to, I would like bigger boobs. Gimme some big old backbreakin' knockers - and make 'em permanently perky too. (I told you this would be expensive.)
5. For eating nothing but leftovers and food my children refused to eat, I would like a personal chef. If he's hot/young/drunk that would be okay too. Oh, get me Jamie Oliver!
6. For cheerily going without showers, baths, makeup, haircuts and clothes that fit properly, I would like my own 1/4 acre natural hotspring Roman Bath with dolphin shaped fountains and several hot/young/drunk men in togas to bathe me. (You can purchase the neighbor's property to construct this on.)
7. For not exacting the brutal revenge upon mine enemies like I had planned, I would like a year's supply of low-fat psychotropic brownies (with walnuts and icing if possible).
If you can't come through on all of these requests that's ok. I will take the cash substitutions instead. Thank you Santa and Merry Christmas!
Your friend,
Franny
posted by Franny @ 8:04 PM
8 Comments
8 Comments:
Wow, that is freaky! Well, dress warm, don't want you get a chill on that sleigh. Don't forget to bring the unicorn...
Hilarious letter, Fran, and as for point 2, the young men don't need to be drunk - you're still hot! :)
(BTW Cat, don't worry, while I may be an old, balding overweight guy, I'm not the one who made a pass at your wife - I'm just making an observation!)
Total agreement with the Dude, Alice. You are still "phat" (pretty hot and tempting) as the kids are saying these days.
I have been telling my wife for years that she is hot, and that she grows more beautiful and radiant with each passing day, but all she does is roll her eyes, and asks me to stop talking to my imaginary friend. But I am glad that everybody else agrees with me.
Oh cool! Having men fight over me should have been one of my wishes too - would you wear gladiator uniforms? And could we do this in a public place? And swords...I'm all about the swords!
Kim, OF COURSE you can come and play with my presents! What are friends for?
And lastly, to Cataldo, you shall be greatly rewarded...
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Sorry boys, but while you two begin to square off, you hear a window crash and the theme music for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Then as you two start looking around looking confused, I will step into Thunderdome, and give you each a stunner which would knock you both out. This will then allow me to crack open a few beers (likely Strongbows) and leaving me with fair Franny by my side. And the reason why because I just said so!!! (cue Stone Cold music once again).
Hey... as I like to say, anyone can win the lottery. Thus, there is hope for Pete.
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