Franny Explains The Theory of Relativity

In science, relativity means a lot of stuff that I don't understand. But in practice, it's really simple. For example, "hell" to many is a hot place underground with lava and agony and a red guy with a pitchfork, but MY "hell" would be 2 purple crying babies and one (cold) bottle. (Oh wait - I've been there already!) So same place, very different experience. It's all relative.

Tonight I will take you to my home where "relativity" wreaks havoc on a regular basis.

Chapter 1: Relativity and My Marriage

"Just a minute" to me means "about 1/2 an hour", but only if I'm saying it. When I hear "just a minute", I expect it to be 60 seconds or less. This has caused much marital discord in my house.

I believe "dinner" to be a meal eaten at a table with condiments and forks, whereas my husband believes "dinner" to be whatever won't poison him.

When I take a "morning shower" I am in and out in under 6 minutes. My husband's "morning shower" involves the Saturday Spectator, 4 towels, a roll of toilet paper, hair everywhere and the setting of the evening sun.

To me, "let's go somewhere nice" is a trip for a latte at Starbucks, or to a pricey inn in Niagara-on-the-Lake. To my husband, "somewhere nice" is Fast Eddies, or The Maple Farms Motel next to the Walmart.

Chapter 2: Relativity and My Kids

"Sharing" to my son is a sacred charity, but only if he wants something that someone else has. If he has the sharable object, "sharing" is akin to torturous punishment of the most heinous kind.

"No more TV" is good for mommy's mental health, but if mommy gets an important phonecall, "no more TV" becomes suicide.

To me, "OH MY GOD! For the last time DON'T TOUCH THAT!!" mean Danger! Death! Imminent Peril! To my kids, the same command means "ooh, that's GOTTA be good!"

Chapter 3: Relativity and My Neighborhood

A squad of policecars parked in front of the neighbor's house is a great evening's entertainment. But, if they're parked in front of my house, then "what the hell is everyone staring at ya nosy bastards!?"

If someone's cat wanders onto my verandah and eats my groceries, it's annoying. But if my kids wander onto someone's verandah to eat their groceries, it's SO CUTE!

The kid who pushes my son down is a poorly-raised-lowlife-futureless-bastard-child, but when my son does the pushing... "that kid had it coming!"