Cuff Me NOW!

When your daydreaming at work is suddenly interrupted by two LARGE cops addressing you by name, it's hard to stay cool.

Large Cop: "Are you Francesca?"

Me: "Umm, no, I mean, yes, I mean, I didn't do it, ha ha ha!"

Of course, this was nervous laughter because I was frantically going though my mind to figure out what they had finally caught me for. Did I take that Sharpie by accident or on purpose? Did anyone see me ding that car in the parking lot in May? OMG, they know about that thing I did with my cousin in her garage last Christmas! So, while I was blubbering and trying to remember the name of my lawyer, they decided that I was insane and just took a map. Apparently someone had told them to ask me for directions.

This is GUILTY CONSCIENCE SYNDROME. I am afflicted, as well as millions who don't even know they have it. GCS is a debilitating condition in which you feel paranoid about things you did and didn't do, as well as things you perceive you did wrong and didn't do right. GCS can be chronic, like when your life of crime is getting sloppy, or acute, as demonstrated by my run-in with the law. Take this simple quiz to find out if you too have GCS:

1. Do you often find yourself wondering who ratted you out? Y/N
2. Do you often say things like "You can't prove a thing!" Y/N
3. Is eating an extra piece of cake enough to make you believe your jeans no longer fit? Y/N
4. Do you imagine you hear sirens when you are speeding? Y/N
5. Do you feel personally responsible for the failure of your children/company/government? Y/N
6. Are you excessively nervous around authority figures and people with handcuffs? Y/N

If you answered YES to 3 or more questions, then you have GCS. There is no cure, but treatment involves silencing your stool-pigeons, sleeping with one eye open, buying stretchy jeans and hiring a thug/British nanny.

Because sometimes, being bad is worth it.