Tuesday, October 18, 2005

More Demons

My new washing machine just attacked me. It's one of those really tall, fancy front-loaders, and I was sitting there in my chair, admiring its first load as it washed silently, effortlessly. That is, until the spin cycle. Suddenly the frigging machine burst from the wall with a sound equivalent to 1000 jackhammers, and it began leaping towards me.

I threw myself upon the machine to weigh it down, but it just took me along for the ride. We were woman vs. machine, jerking wildly across the newly-laid vinyl tiles.

"HONEY HELP!" I shrieked. "THE WASHING MACHINE IS GETTING AWAY!"

"What was that?" My husband was sure to rescue me, once he knew my peril.

"I SAID HELP ME! THE WASHING MACHINE IS GETTING AWAY!!!"

"OH...IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!" He shouted back helpfully.

I would have said "well d'uh!" but by then it was so loud with the slamming and the banging that it wasn't worth the effort. Though my vision was vibrating wildly, I managed to press a ton of buttons and eventually found "pause". A few seconds later, I climbed off of my demon-possessed death trap fucking cursed washing machine and stumbled away.

My head is still spinning as I reassess the value of this very expensive new technology.

If that's not bad enough, I am wondering where my hero went. You know, the one that was supposed to come running to save me? Cuz' if there's one thing you notice during your near-death experience, it's where the hell is everybody?

It's hard when the things you believed in evaporate, or never even existed. You feel empty, hollow and infinitely sad. And the things you thought you wanted turn out to be nothing more than baubles to fill the emptiness. But you can never fill in all the holes, can you?

9 Comments:

At 1:52 AM , Blogger Magdalena said...

Franny, was the nifty bottom drawer attached properly to the pretty machine, cuz with the force of the spin if it wasn't then I can see why it would come flying at you. Of course, the more important question is ... was the absent hero also the installer of the machine? And if the answer is yes, then I think we can safely assume that he avoided rescuing you because he knew the blame for the flying demon washing machine would fall in his lap! Naturally the blame will fall there sooner or later, though I think we can presume he was hoping for later.

Better luck with your second load of laundry :)

Lots of Love,
Magda

 
At 8:20 AM , Blogger Mark Leslie said...

Perhaps the machine acted up because of the constant diet of single socks it's been consuming all these years - it finally just snapped.....

 
At 10:37 AM , Blogger Bob said...

Is the machine properly balanced on the floor? If not, you (or rather in this case, your hero) will have to lift the machine enough in order to adjust the legs.

For more helpful household hints and maybe the odd recipe, you know where to find me.

 
At 12:45 PM , Blogger Pete Mitchell said...

Everyone else seems more concerned with the washing machine than with our dear, beloved Franny.

I care Franny. I would have come rushing to your rescue.

 
At 9:44 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

you know Pete that's exactly what I was thinking...who CARES about the possessed laundry eater from hell....Franny's hero was amiss, and that is the bigger tragedy here.

There there Franny, maybe your hero was still in his italian villa pining over your loss on the stage...(I would love to join you...but I love my husband...no please don't cry...) ring any bells!?!?!?!

Kim :)

 
At 11:25 PM , Blogger Magdalena said...

What's that? ... do I hear the tinkling of bells ... I must since I think two angels just got their wings ... PETER! KIM! :P

Sheesh you two, stop acting like you are the only real angels around here. I only asked about the proper installation of the machine to prevent future incidents! Secondly, I brought up that it was probably Cat who installed the damn thing and that is why he failed to act as heroically as he should have, because he knew that he was guilty for faulty installation! And trust me if I wasn't 1500 miles away from her, I too would have come rushing to her side.

Note To Franny:
See Sweetie, look how much we love you, we have to fight over who actually, really and truly cares about you :)

 
At 11:53 PM , Blogger Franny said...

Thank you all for the timely appliance "intervention". Ooh, it is so good to be loved! By the way, I have kissed and made up with both the washing machine and with its installer .

 
At 7:38 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

this isn't a competition for Franny's affection...we were just more worried about her than the machinery....there's no need to justify your comment Magda...you always were practical (and there's nothing wrong with that)

besides, we all know who loves Franny best...and it's none of us on the computer! ;)

Love Kim

 
At 11:17 PM , Anonymous Cataldo "The Installer" Brugnano said...

Okay, I have to defend myself. It wasn't me but my brother-in-law, James, who did the balancing, so it's all his fault! I didn't come running because I was subdued by the kryptonite bonds of kids at that time, and it was every man for himself. If I was able to break free, I would've flew down the stairs and sacrificed my life to save my wife from the evil Decepticon washer. But unfortunately, I wasn't the heroic Autobot, so I must live with this shame (along with many others) for the rest of my life.

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home