Career Sabotage 101

In my search for a job, I have the touch of death lately. I think I am trying too hard. They can smell the desperation.

Empowered by this knowledge, I have amended my stellar answers to standard interview questions. Don't try this at home, kids:

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Probably doing YOUR job (pointing around the room), or yours or even yours, but not yours because your work seems to have prematurely aged you.

Q: Do you work well in a team setting?
A: Not if I'm working with a bunch of idiots. For example, I hate people who don't do things MY way, or people who try to talk to me about stuff and "new ideas".

Q: What attracted you to this job?
A: The money. I am behind on my MasterCard payments, and Rashid in Outstanding Accounts is coming to break my fingers soon.

Q: Are you able to work independently and without supervision?
A: Didn't you just ask me about teamwork? What the heck do you people want from me anyways?

Q: Are you comfortable working with computers?
A: I can get *REAL* comfortable with a computer, if you know what I mean (*wink, nudge*).

Q: Tell me about your communication skills.
A: Are you deaf?

Q: What are your strengths?
A: You should see me weave in and out of traffic! And I can pack back 1/2 a pizza!

Q: Your weaknesses?
A: Honestly, I don't respond well to authority, I am lazy and I don't like to work. I also have violent PMS.

Q: Well this concludes our interview. Do you have any questions?
A: Just one. Can I bum some change for parking?