Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Mutual of Omaha's Wild Preschool

I volunteered at preschool today. It was the twins' first day. It was BAD....BAD BAD BAD. Like, wild kingdom bad. My daughter won't even LOOK at the teacher. Mrs. R. gets down to her level to talk to her kindly and asks her kind questions about what she's doing and Natalie, clearly sensing weakness, yells "NO! NO! NO!" and storms away. Doesn't even give the poor woman a chance. She tried like TEN times, and Natalie told her "get lost bitch" in toddler language every time. The teacher smiled patiently, but I know she went home to shoot herself.

And here's the list of what Nicholas ate today:
-one orange crayon
-a handful of red playdough
-two pieces of chalk (yellow)
-sand licked off of one miniature dinosaur

Also, my children do not interact well with other children. Nicholas found a spot behind the coat rack to hide and eat his latest treasures. Natalie, on the other hand, regularly surveyed the room to find kids that had toys that were remotely interesting or offensive to her. Then she would stomp up to them, (shrieking so that they would know harpy justice was on the way), and RIP the toy out of their hands and CHUCK it as far as her midget arms could throw. The victim would then crumble to the ground in tears. And you'd think the other children would cry or be afraid, but no. Much like gazelles in Africa, they watched casually as the lion munched on their gazelle friend with aloof looks that you just know meant "oh well, it was his time to go." That fatalist attitude continued throughout the day, until my precious girl had had a chomp of everyone, once or twice.

Meanwhile, where is Nicky? Oh, there he is, methodically emptying the water table onto the floor with a small cup, occasionally stopping to take a sip. Gotta wash down all that sand and chalk you know.

Then there was circle time. The ever-effervescent Mrs. R handed out little laminated stars. Each child took theirs and held it in wonder. Natalie folded her arms and and raised her brows with a look that clearly said "you back for more, bitch?" I finally took the star and gave it to Natalie. As the teacher sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", Natalie glared at her suspiciously as it it were "Mein Kamfp, the Musical".

When it was time to hand back the stars, all the other children gave theirs back. Except Natalie. My precious girl would not give that damn laminated star on a frigging popsicle stick back. She held it with both hands and yanked it fiercely as the the teacher tried to take it away gently. Natalie pulled harder, sneering. It became a tug-of-war, Mrs. R smiling and pulling gently and using her Happy Voice, and Natalie shrieking and pulling and thinking I AM NOT LETTING GO NO MATTER WHAT YOU STUPID COW YOU MADE ME TAKE THIS DAMN STAR AND NOW IT'S FUCKING MINE SO SHOVE OFF! The parents watched in reverent silence. It was her time.

Meanwhile, where is Nicky? Oh, there he is, stuffing his face with fun foam shapes at the craft table! Hmm, weren't there FOUR cups of paste here before?

So then it was snacktime. Natalie sat primly at the table, eating quietly and calmly and politely - a vision of good breeding. The teacher noticed and took this as a sign that Nattie was in a better mood. Mrs. R sat next to her and tried to make friends. DANGER! DANGER! I tried to shout, but it was too late. There was this tasmanian-devil type whirl, a sippy cup went flying, apples hit the ground. Mrs. R. excused herself, smiling. I think she went to take her meds.

Meanwhile, where is Nicky? He is staring at his food, looking disinterested.

At storytime, this sweet little girl named *Kristy (*name changed to protect the innocent) handed me a book shyly and how could I resist? We began to read a Muppet Babies book. Looking back now, I realize that this was a totally preventable tragedy. I take full responsibility. I KNEW what Natalie was like. I KNEW she was bossy and unpredictable. I KNEW she was posessive of her things and her space. What ever posessed me to take another child in my lap to read them a story???!!! Why God, why? Will I ever learn?

I cannot tell you Kristy's whereabouts right now, but I have been made aware that she is currently in a safehouse awaiting a new identity under a government protection program.

Meanwhile, where is Nicky? Oh look, he's under the snack table, eating other people's crumbs off the floor. Cuz, you know, we don't feed him at home.

When it was time to leave, I rounded up my little angels. "So, we'll see you and the twins next week?" Mrs. R's voice trembled. She was wringing her hands. She was clearly nervous. When I replied "No." she relaxed a bit.

"Actually," I said aloofly, "my husband will be volunteering from now on."

It's his time.


At 10:40 AM , Blogger Magdalena said...

I *totally* can't wait to have kids now!! Just kidding, but isn't it good that none of us are teachers, because I don't know if I would like your kids as much as I do now if I was. But since I don't want it to be "my time" anytime soon, send my love to the little angels so that they know that Auntie Magda is on their side.

Lots of Love,

At 10:41 AM , Blogger Kimberly said...

Franny, remember your first day of helping out with Joey?

Things will get better...and if they don't, Cat can take the heat!

Kim :)

At 9:25 PM , Blogger MacManus said...

OMG, thank you so much! I have spent 30 mins reading everything I can get my hands on here, but this story took the cake...absolutely hilarious! Thanks for making my Friday :)


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