Sunday, September 11, 2005

Theology and Condiments II

I have noticed lately that most people, no matter their religion, believe there is only one, supremo bad guy. Many Gods, one baddie. Phew, I like those odds! The devil's purpose is to keep you on the straight and narrow. Kinda like the threat of going to jail, but going to hell for eternity would be like, TWICE as bad.

Okay, talking about baddies, you know how in every movie the head bad guy is educated, well spoken, has a british accent, dresses well and enjoys torturing (*insert hero here)? For example:

Professor/Dr./Sir Killsalot: "Now Mr. Bond, we shall take the laser and slooooooooooooowly wait for it to make you a soprano..............................here we go then.................goodness, it IS getting late................sorry about the wait chap....................look, I hope you don't mind, I really must leave for my manicure. I expect you will refrain from escaping this time? Very well then, cheerio!"

Every good evil professor/doctor/district manager needs people to do the dirty work while his nails dry. This is where the expendable henchmen come in. To be an expendable henchman, you must posess the following:

1) Be shorter than 5 feet tall.
2) Have the IQ of a rabbit.
3) Be easily distracted by the hero's distraction techniques. (Look over there!)
4) Have some sort of speech impediment or at least a limp or a glass eye.
5) Be unable to shoot the good guy with your 100 rounds per second machine gun at point blank
range.
6) Be willing to die from the one and only bullet that the hero shoots at you from an acre away.

No movie would be complete without the opportunity for gratuitous violence presented to us by the ritualistic cull of dumb henchmen. The result? Hero gets some practice whoop-ass in before he goes after the british guy, we are relieved that our hero is winning, and the henchmen are lucky to be moving on to a better place because let's face it, they weren't going to amount to much anyways. Everyone is happy!

This is something all religions have failed to address. There just aren't enough dumb henchmen in religion. Imagine how perked up mass would be if Father Ignatius cracked every Sunday?

Father Iggy: "The mass has ended. Go now in peace to love and to serve the BAD GUYS THEIR ASSES FOR DINNER!"
Sister Florence: (Swings incense lamp wildly) "You'll never take me alive! Hiii-YAH!"
Iggy: "Look! You've got ketchup on your habit!"
Flo: (Looking down) "Where?!"
Iggy: "Karate-CHOP!"

I am gonna pee myself next mass.

1 Comments:

At 7:56 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

not all bad guys are under 5 feet...Jaws in Moonraker had to be at least 7 feet...course his IQ was less than that of an earthworm, so I guess that makes up for the massive size.

 

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