Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Franny and the Killer Cuticle

I am magnetically attracted to BMWs. This is not a good thing, especially when you're driving 30 kph over the speed limit and you're not paying attention to the road. One more millisecond picking at my stray cuticle and well...they'd be calling to tell my husband his insurance rates just tripled and oh, by the way, your wife is dead. Luckily this cuticle was a quick fix.

So I've realized that every near miss was with a beemer. I don't know why! I don't particularly like or dislike them. Maybe their brakes are better than mine so I inevitably nearly smash into them? Maybe my car is in love with BMWs? Maybe there are too many beemers out there for me to almost hit? Why can't I almost hit a cheap, disposable car, like a Kia or a Festiva? You rear-end a klunker, you laugh. You rear-end a BMW, you cry. I actually did rear-end a car once. My fine friends at The Cooperators know all too well whose fault that was.

I also backed into a construction vehicle when I was a teenager. Smashed the whole back end of my dad's car. Instead of going straight home, I went to Tim Hortons to ponder my contribution to this world and how it had been a good run. That was the only night I ever smoked. Figured it didn't matter anymore anyways.

I'm not the only accident prone member of my family. I once talked my sister out of running away from home after she smashed up my dad's car (same car) twice in two weeks. I remember telling her it wasn't that bad, and that dad wouldn't be mad, just relieved she was not hurt. I was actually thinking "OMG you are SO dead!" And my brother totalled his car by driving it under a flatbed truck. Sheared the roof right off. You probably read about it in the paper.

So, I guess I'd better be more careful. For the safety of my fellow drivers, I'd better get a manicure, so I don't have to worry about those cuticles distracting me. May as well get a pedicure too, just to keep my braking foot in prime condition. Maybe a massage, to soothe my stress, cuz afterall, those damn beemers are everywhere, just waiting to jump out and make me hit them! Ooh, and a scalp treatment because I am thinking too much...

9 Comments:

At 10:43 PM , Blogger Pete Mitchell said...

LMAO!

Especially loved the "Dad won't be mad" / "You are so dead" bit. It's so-o-o-o true.

 
At 2:51 PM , Blogger MacManus said...

Its a consipracy I tell you!

 
At 3:18 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

hmmm...spa treatment is a good idea...cause if you ever DO hit a beemer the cute cop that comes to the scene will be so impressed by your well manicured appearance that he'll totally let you off! Maybe even blame the beemer driver in his report, because after all, if they can own a beemer, they can afford the repairs and insurance!

:)

 
At 3:55 PM , Blogger Magdalena said...

Hey now, I just so happen to be the driver of a beemer, and no sir, I cannot afford the cost of the repairs if someone crashes into me. But as a consilation Franny, should you come to visit me in Texas, I will drive you around *in* my beemer and that would save you from crashing into me.

But listen, any excuse you can use to go and pamper yourself at the spa is acceptable. Feel free to treat yourself, but just remember, if it is a hoity-toity place you will likely have to drive through a parking lot filled with not only beemers but also Mercedes and Lexus' and who know what else ... but you will be so relaxed when you leave that you won't even notice ... I hope :)

 
At 9:23 PM , Anonymous t-racer39 said...

I thought I was the only one that always gets in fenderbenders with BMWs, but sometimes jags. My cat got hit by a beemer one once too. Watch out, they come back for revenge! LOL

 
At 10:34 PM , Anonymous Lisa's Husband said...

This isn't ESPN.com! I just wanted to check the hockey scores. What the hell is a blog?

This better not be a cybersapce affair my wife is having with some greencard hunting Spanish dude overseas!

Funny article, though...

 
At 11:32 PM , Anonymous Cataldo Brugnano said...

Ah, I miss the old days with my Pontiac Phoenix. It was a push-start car (the carbeurator kept crapping out, so anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in it when it stalled would have to get out, push it until the engine fired back up, and would have to jump back into a moving car. We almost made it onto the Canadian Olympic bobsled team). That thing was made out of pure metal. It was impervious to just about anything (I got hit by other cars, hockey pucks, meteorites, and not a single scratch). You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go out and find a Phoenix and give it to my wife. That way, if she runs into any more BMWs, the Phoenix will flatten them without a scratch, she could run off and the cops won't be able to trace the accident to her.

 
At 12:37 AM , Blogger Pete Mitchell said...

Oh wow! We had a Pontiac Phoenix and had the same problem! And at stop-lights we had to master the old --stop, throw it into neutral and push the gas pedal to the floor, then when the light turned green, wait until the road was safe, slam your foot on the brake, take it out of neutral, squeel the tires, take your foot off the brake, and shoot out into the road-- routine. It sucked! It really, really sucked! LOL!

 
At 3:30 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

wow all that work for a car....i'm glad i take the bus!

:)

 

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