Culturalizing the Kids

My three children can't get enough of the Wiggles. They bop to the Doodlebops. They think Dora the Explorer is a musical genius. Unfortunately, I've reached a point where even Raffi is wearing a little thin (sorry Baby Beluga). So I decided tonight was the night to "fix" my kids' taste in music with a little bit of MY taste in music.

"Hey kids, we're going on a magic carpet ride to the 70's, and that's classic rock baby!"

I dimmed the lights, closed the blinds, called my husband to make sure he would be home late, put on my favorite mixed CD and got ready to party with two toddlers and one preschooler. What started out as an optimistic experiment in culturalization quickly turned into an all-out humiliation. I have decided to share with you my children's reactions to each of the songs that I (once) held so dear:

Beth by Kiss
My daughter (age 2) squatted in the corner and took a crap during this song. Her twin brother thought this was a good idea too. It was synchronized crapping, with my four year-old son pointing and screaming "EWWWW" and complaining about the smell over the heart-felt lyrics and tender violin strains.

California Dreamin' by the Mammas & the Pappas
I changed diapers through most of this song. By the time we got to "stopped into a church", my four-yr-old decided this was a great song to toss the twins onto the couch to. And they would roll off and hit the floor, and then wail. And then eagerly do it again. And the whole time I was barefoot trying to encourage them to sway baby...groove man...stop killing each other you little...

Annie's Song by John Denver
"You fill up my senses, like a night with 3 children playing a game of let's crawl between mommy's legs while she is dancing and see if we can't trip her or have her fall on top of us leaving us frigging parapalegic for life!"

Desperado by the Eagles
This moving song moved my children into comas. My son (age 2) left the room and went to play in a corner with a thrilling ball of lint. My other son (age 4) started to scratch his tummy and whine that it was all red and then scratch it some more, etc, etc, etc. My daughter tried to shut the CD player off but she couldn't reach the button. While I was putting cream on my son's self-inflicted tummy wounds, she finally succeeded in pulling the plug out of the wall, which was recieved with high-fives from her siblings.

Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
Not one to give up, I turned the CD player back on to this song. That's about when the fighting broke out. I had never associated this song with aggression, but my children found a way. I will never, ever hear this song again without feeling all anxious and twitchy and hearing far-off Vietnam-type screams and mortar fire. Thanks a lot.

American Pie by Don McLean
By this point, everyone was pretty much forced to sit on the couch and frigging ENJOY mommy's goddamn music. And they were all giving me the dirtiest "you're a bee-atch" looks. Until the part where the tempo picks up. Then, one by one, they got up, and began to bounce. And then dance. And then laugh. And suddenly we were partying to American Pie in the silliest, most carefree way.

So eat that Wiggles! Sit on it Dora! I've broken your strangle-hold upon my children's musical tastes! Next week, we're taking on Classic (Best of) Queen!