Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Culturalizing the Kids

My three children can't get enough of the Wiggles. They bop to the Doodlebops. They think Dora the Explorer is a musical genius. Unfortunately, I've reached a point where even Raffi is wearing a little thin (sorry Baby Beluga). So I decided tonight was the night to "fix" my kids' taste in music with a little bit of MY taste in music.

"Hey kids, we're going on a magic carpet ride to the 70's, and that's classic rock baby!"

I dimmed the lights, closed the blinds, called my husband to make sure he would be home late, put on my favorite mixed CD and got ready to party with two toddlers and one preschooler. What started out as an optimistic experiment in culturalization quickly turned into an all-out humiliation. I have decided to share with you my children's reactions to each of the songs that I (once) held so dear:

Beth by Kiss
My daughter (age 2) squatted in the corner and took a crap during this song. Her twin brother thought this was a good idea too. It was synchronized crapping, with my four year-old son pointing and screaming "EWWWW" and complaining about the smell over the heart-felt lyrics and tender violin strains.

California Dreamin' by the Mammas & the Pappas
I changed diapers through most of this song. By the time we got to "stopped into a church", my four-yr-old decided this was a great song to toss the twins onto the couch to. And they would roll off and hit the floor, and then wail. And then eagerly do it again. And the whole time I was barefoot trying to encourage them to sway baby...groove man...stop killing each other you little...

Annie's Song by John Denver
"You fill up my senses, like a night with 3 children playing a game of let's crawl between mommy's legs while she is dancing and see if we can't trip her or have her fall on top of us leaving us frigging parapalegic for life!"

Desperado by the Eagles
This moving song moved my children into comas. My son (age 2) left the room and went to play in a corner with a thrilling ball of lint. My other son (age 4) started to scratch his tummy and whine that it was all red and then scratch it some more, etc, etc, etc. My daughter tried to shut the CD player off but she couldn't reach the button. While I was putting cream on my son's self-inflicted tummy wounds, she finally succeeded in pulling the plug out of the wall, which was recieved with high-fives from her siblings.

Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
Not one to give up, I turned the CD player back on to this song. That's about when the fighting broke out. I had never associated this song with aggression, but my children found a way. I will never, ever hear this song again without feeling all anxious and twitchy and hearing far-off Vietnam-type screams and mortar fire. Thanks a lot.

American Pie by Don McLean
By this point, everyone was pretty much forced to sit on the couch and frigging ENJOY mommy's goddamn music. And they were all giving me the dirtiest "you're a bee-atch" looks. Until the part where the tempo picks up. Then, one by one, they got up, and began to bounce. And then dance. And then laugh. And suddenly we were partying to American Pie in the silliest, most carefree way.

So eat that Wiggles! Sit on it Dora! I've broken your strangle-hold upon my children's musical tastes! Next week, we're taking on Classic (Best of) Queen!

13 Comments:

At 10:36 PM , Blogger Pete Mitchell said...

OMG Franny, I love you so much right now!! (Platonically Cat, I'm under no illusions that you can kick the crap outta me.) Been away from the computer for awhile and coming back to your site, I've had the biggest laughs I've had for weeks!! Thank you! I love you I love you I love you. (Platonically Cat; platonically. I love her like Plato. --Ewww. Actually that's kinda sick.)

 
At 8:32 AM , Blogger Tomas Dennis said...

Nice

 
At 9:33 AM , Blogger Magdalena said...

So funny Franny!! And afterall, who could resist "American Pie" ! I can already pictures your kids in the living room bopping to "We Will Rock You" next week!

 
At 5:04 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

LMAO!!!That's awesome Franny! Last week Dora, next week Queen! If they can grasp Queen they'll be ready for Led Zepplin!

You rock! :P

 
At 10:39 PM , Blogger Franny said...

And then on to karaoke!

 
At 11:47 PM , Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

You keep me laughing and I like your taste in music.

 
At 2:56 PM , Blogger bornfool said...

I absolutely love your taste in music. I never once thought about going into the corner to take a crap.

 
At 7:17 PM , Blogger MacManus said...

I think you should just throw them straight into the karaoke....sink or swim ;)

 
At 1:37 PM , Blogger Pete Mitchell said...

Ummm....

Now that I'm working again

ummmm...

do people want to get a group together in a month or two for a Karaoke night or something like that?

 
At 4:56 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

I'm in!!!! It's been a dog's age since we've heard you sing!!! :P

 
At 9:54 PM , Anonymous alipurr said...

there's something to listen to besides wiggles, dora, and the doodlebops???? i forgot....my husband found some article once that said for each child you lose 15 IQ points.... Motherkitty is standing over my shoulder telling me to type that I am Motherkitty's daughter. I would type something funnier but my 30 points gone must have drained all the energy out of my brain. My 4 yr old Dancer Girl and 1.5 yr old Singer Girl do like to head-bang with Long Hair Daddy to Metallica and the Cars, though

 
At 9:55 PM , Anonymous alipurr said...

(we are having a belated Christmas hullaballoo at Motherkitty's house, btw), and Motherkitty said, Sorry there's no leftovers.

 
At 9:22 PM , Anonymous Cataldo said...

Actually, everytime time I hear Beth, I do have an unexplicable urge to run to the bathroom, so the kids crapping may be genetic.

 

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