Monday, February 06, 2006

View From the Top

I never thought it was possible, but I just skinned my ass. Badly. I'll never be able to sit on a hard chair again. And, there are these huge oblong bruises on my hips. And let's not even discuss the serious thigh trauma. OW OW OW! I suppose I am not as "nimble" as I used to be. I will never, ever, ever be so anal again. And my husband is gonna PAY.

I'll bet you think this is gonna be a dirty story...

We just got my oldest son a "loft" bed - it's a bunk bed with no bottom bunk, which is perfect for putting dressers and toychests underneath. This is necessary as his room is the size of a broom cupboard. Anyhow, my hubby spent 5 hours assembling it, while I spent the same 5 hours keeping the kids out of his hair. When he finally finished, I was in love with the bed! It was perfect! It was a space-saver! It was funky and tasteful and frugal and fun and clearly showed what a brilliant mother I was!

And then my hubby declared that he hated the bed.

Yes, I was pissed. Anyhow, I got these snazzy red sheets to match the "Clifford" comforter I made for the new bed. As hubby was putting the twins to sleep, (did I mention my hubby hates the new bed?) I tried to put on the sheets. Problem was, I couldn't reach the far corner. So I got a chair. Still couldn't reach to properly tuck in that damn fitted sheet. So, being the tragic optimist, I sent my son up there to tuck in the frigging sheet. He is not dexterous enough to tuck the damn fitted sheet into the corner of the mattress of the bed that my husband hates.

I tried to reach from underneath, over, around, and between, but no luck. This is one of those 'safety' models that has high railings all around and the tiniest 10" space where the ladder emerges. In other words, it was an anti-red-fitted-sheet fortress. Unless I climbed up myself... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got stuck on the top bunk.

I could not get my butt through that 10" space to go back down the ladder. I tried just one leg first, and ended up doing a grotesque impression of the splits. I tried forcing my butt through while facing outward, and severly skinned my buttocks. Then laying inwards, my butt was stuck up in the air as I struggled and pushed and wiggled and scratched up my thighs. Sideways, and my hip got pinned between the mattress and the very hard railing, not to mention that my body just don't twist that way. While I was writhing in pain and humiliation, my son was on the floor encouraging me to "just jump mommy!" Which I probably would have done, if there had been enough head clearance... In desperation, arms unnaturally positioned, legs in the air, butt impossibly wedged, I called my husband to the room.

My beloved came running, thoughtfully paused in the doorway, and proceeded to piss himself laughing.

A few minutes later, I was safely down from the evil-bed-of-death and giving my hubby the evil-glare-of-death. Before he ran away, he winked and said, "now that's an awesome bed!"


At 9:59 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

yuk, yuk, yuk

Why didn't you just call hubby to help you in the first place? Oh, Wonder Woman of the Red Sheet, now that you got off the top bunk basically in one piece, can you squeeze your ass through the eye of a needle with equal poise and polish?

But, did you get the sheet on???

This was truly a side-splitter and a knee-slapper. Thanks. I needed that.

At 11:54 PM , Blogger Christopher said...

All I got to say is this:

He may now think the bed is awesome, but that's not what counts.

What counts is what he thinks of the doghouse that he is going to have to squeeze HIS ass into! hahaha.

At 11:55 PM , Blogger Magdalena said...

Okay wait ... so how did you get in it in the first place ... actually no I completely understand, things like this always happen, getting in is always the easy part, getting out is quite another story. Like when you go to the store to buy a dress and it goes over your head, but is perhaps a little tight and then gets stuck around your boobs ... and suddenly the panic sets in and you are totally stuck with your arms waving madly in the air and you can't breath and now you are additionally panicked that you will have to tear the dress at the seams to get out of it and then pay for a dress that didn't fit you and so you fight with the dress and finally get it over your head and throw it on the floor and you look in the mirror and there you are with gashes in your arms and your hair looks like you have been through hell and back but damn it you got the dress off.

Yes, it is always easier to get in than to get out.

At 11:56 PM , Blogger Turtle Guy said...

Firstly, thanks for dropping by my page earlier!

For a first read and a first impression, I must say: I like you already! Something tells me there are far more amusing real-to-life bits to share. I applaud you, as well, to have the guts to share an embarrassing moment in a public forum such as this.

I also enjoyed your husband's change of mind with respect to the bed. Perhaps not for any of the right reasons, but perhaps it was just meant to be.

May you all rest well!

At 1:19 AM , Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

That has got to be one of your funniest posts yet. I give you the GOLD, SILVER & BRONZE Medals for this one.

At 9:23 AM , Blogger Franny said...

Addendum: Getting up there was easy because I very simply climbed my chair, swung my leg over and pulled my body up with my arms. Getting down, I had nothing but gravity to help me, and I couldn't see the floor, and I couldn't "slide" down because of the railing. D'oh!

At 7:21 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

Oh boy, I've seen what happens to Joey's sheets when he sleeps, so my question is: why did you bother with the fitted one since it's gonna be in a twisted mess by morning anyway? Next time, let Cat change the sheets, see how much he laughs then!

Hope you heal well, just be careful in the swimming pool tomorrow night. Hugs!

At 11:04 AM , Blogger bornfool said...

Ah, I remember it well. My son's use to have bunk beds. Making up the top one was always such a pain.

At 6:23 AM , Blogger Alipurr said...

now that's a funny story.....maybe hubby should put the sheets on next time....

At 12:07 AM , Anonymous Cataldo said...

I would gladly put the sheets on, but I made that bed, and I know that there's no way that it'll support my weight.


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