View From the Top

I never thought it was possible, but I just skinned my ass. Badly. I'll never be able to sit on a hard chair again. And, there are these huge oblong bruises on my hips. And let's not even discuss the serious thigh trauma. OW OW OW! I suppose I am not as "nimble" as I used to be. I will never, ever, ever be so anal again. And my husband is gonna PAY.

I'll bet you think this is gonna be a dirty story...

We just got my oldest son a "loft" bed - it's a bunk bed with no bottom bunk, which is perfect for putting dressers and toychests underneath. This is necessary as his room is the size of a broom cupboard. Anyhow, my hubby spent 5 hours assembling it, while I spent the same 5 hours keeping the kids out of his hair. When he finally finished, I was in love with the bed! It was perfect! It was a space-saver! It was funky and tasteful and frugal and fun and clearly showed what a brilliant mother I was!

And then my hubby declared that he hated the bed.

Yes, I was pissed. Anyhow, I got these snazzy red sheets to match the "Clifford" comforter I made for the new bed. As hubby was putting the twins to sleep, (did I mention my hubby hates the new bed?) I tried to put on the sheets. Problem was, I couldn't reach the far corner. So I got a chair. Still couldn't reach to properly tuck in that damn fitted sheet. So, being the tragic optimist, I sent my son up there to tuck in the frigging sheet. He is not dexterous enough to tuck the damn fitted sheet into the corner of the mattress of the bed that my husband hates.

I tried to reach from underneath, over, around, and between, but no luck. This is one of those 'safety' models that has high railings all around and the tiniest 10" space where the ladder emerges. In other words, it was an anti-red-fitted-sheet fortress. Unless I climbed up myself... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got stuck on the top bunk.

I could not get my butt through that 10" space to go back down the ladder. I tried just one leg first, and ended up doing a grotesque impression of the splits. I tried forcing my butt through while facing outward, and severly skinned my buttocks. Then laying inwards, my butt was stuck up in the air as I struggled and pushed and wiggled and scratched up my thighs. Sideways, and my hip got pinned between the mattress and the very hard railing, not to mention that my body just don't twist that way. While I was writhing in pain and humiliation, my son was on the floor encouraging me to "just jump mommy!" Which I probably would have done, if there had been enough head clearance... In desperation, arms unnaturally positioned, legs in the air, butt impossibly wedged, I called my husband to the room.

My beloved came running, thoughtfully paused in the doorway, and proceeded to piss himself laughing.

A few minutes later, I was safely down from the evil-bed-of-death and giving my hubby the evil-glare-of-death. Before he ran away, he winked and said, "now that's an awesome bed!"