Saturday, January 21, 2006

Flying High

Someone asked me on Friday what my lifelong dream was. Without hesitation, I said "to own a flying horse". I even got all teary eyed as I talked about it - the childhood dream, the thrill of flying, the pooing on the neighbors' cars. What made it worse, I suppose, was this was my new boss who had asked me, and this was at work. After a few minutes of my blubbering about it, she felt compelled to ask me if I was aware that flying horses didn't exist. I think her next question was going to be "are you on drugs?"

Oh, the humiliation.

In retrospect, I think she was looking for me to tell her that my lifelong dream was to write the next great Canadian novel, to have a cottage up north or to adopt a child from some 3rd world country. But a flying horse? I think I can guess what transpired behind closed doors later that day.

My boss: "We need to talk."

Her boss: "Sure, just sit down in my leather wing chair and let me finish my bourbon."

My boss: "Yes ma'am."

Her boss: "Okay, so what's the problem?"(slurp)

My boss: "You know Franny downstairs? Um...her lifelong dream is to have a flying horse."

Her boss: (choking on bourbon) "WHAT!? What kind of freaky hippie did you hire?!"

My boss: "Well actually, you really liked her at the interview..."

Her boss: "Oh no, you're not pinning this one on me! And how was I supposed to know she was some drugged-out psychadelic wierdo exactly? She seemed so....so...."

My boss: "Normal?"

Her boss: "Shit, it's always the "normal" ones isn't it?" (sip, pause) "Where is Little Miss Acid-Trip now?"

My boss: "She's with - oh my GOD! She's with the students!"

Her boss: "No! Not the children! Someone's gotta stop that schizzed-out mad-woman!"

My boss: "I'll get the machete behind the photocopier..."

The rest of my day was pretty uneventful, thanks in part to the fact that the photocopier weighs 300 lbs. I think I got some wierd looks from my coworkers though. And I'm SURE they were talking to me very slooooooooowly and carefully... maybe they're fearful that references to abstract concepts like 'strategic planning' or 'departmental goals' will send the demented crackhead on her next 'cukoo' trip? Eg:

Them: "What do you see as our fiscal budget goals for 2007?"

Me: "Get these damn spiders off me! Oh my God, they're everywhere! Spiders! No! No! ARGHHHHHHHHHH!" (rolling on floor, scratching/screaming, etc...)

As I write, I am certain there is a committee of concerned individuals preparing an intervention. Just for fun, at the next really long, boring meeting, I'm gonna ask "did anyone else hear that? Sounded like neighing..."

Lucky for me, "wants a flying horse" is not grounds for dismissal according to the Ontario Labour Standards Act. I looked it up.

And for the record, I do not rescind my lifelong dream. I STILL want a flying horse. If they didn't really want to know, they shouldn't have asked. Poop away, Peggie!

12 Comments:

At 10:43 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

OMG, your radical thoughts might have rubbed off on the "suits". What is this world coming to? Flying horse, indeed. At least you didn't say, "I want a flying cat," a "flying dog," or a "flying fish." And, you didn't say "I wish you would take a flying leap," did you?

I'm sure if you asked your boss the same question, she would have come up with a pretty weird answer also.

You are too funny.

 
At 11:48 PM , Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

This post is much funnier than your red car story...I noticed that you removed it. How do you come up with these stories? You must be very imaginative. I wish I could write like you.

 
At 12:18 AM , Blogger Tomas Dennis said...

That's funny.

 
At 8:05 AM , Blogger Franny said...

Hi all - the red car post was my swing at politics because we have a (heated) election coming up soon. Sorry I took it off, but some friends of mine wanted to use it for nobler purposes. Ah, gotta love propaganda!

As for my ideas, whenever something happens in the day that is funny/wierd/embarassing or stressful I put it in the mental "blog file". When it's time to write I just elaborate on the situation. I try to find the funny side of the situation, and end up getting a glimpse into my own psyche. (Eg: flying horses = the girl knows how to dream!)

I find it's easier to handle stressful situations if you intend to blog about them and laugh about them later in the day.

 
At 4:29 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

ahh flying horses...mine would have been something so much more boring than that...

I wouldn't worry about anything...unless you start finding pamphlets for psychitrists on your desk...and the psych hospital is across the street...if anyone asks you to "run an errand" over there...just say no...tell them the voices in your head say you can't!

Ps should I mention you keep spelling weird wrong? or is that another sign? :P

 
At 4:41 PM , Blogger Franny said...

Thanks for telling me about 'weird'. You're such a good freind!

 
At 6:19 PM , Blogger Pete Mitchell said...

Oh Frannny, you had me in stitches again. Some days I think we share the same mind (and can I have it back for a while??!!! It's been weeks!!)

As soon as I figure out how, I'm getting you your flying horse.

(And you'll appreciate this: my word verification is "lodixron". It sounds like a laxative.)

 
At 6:57 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

psychiatrists

 
At 7:50 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

yeah yeah yeah, after re reading my comment I realized that I spelled psychiatrists incorrectly...

forgive me Franny!

 
At 8:58 PM , Blogger Franny said...

LOL, Peter, lodixron...funny in so many ways! Sorry if I'm hogging your brain, but mine is in a jar on Walter's desk.

And you got her good motherkitty! Usually I'm the grammar queen! But take heart Kim, I can't spell sykiatryst either. I call mine a shrink.

Your weird freind, Franny

 
At 9:02 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

Actually you and Walter share at desk at the Speciality Office...he's dead too remember?

 
At 10:28 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

This is the most fun I've had all day, friend!!!

 

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