Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Inevitable Element

Why does the bread always get squished, no matter where you put it in the grocery cart? And if you happen to make it out of the store with unsquished bread, it'll get squished in the car, or on the kitchen table, or seconds before you serve it so that the whole family whines "SQUISHED BREAD AGAIN!?"? Wanna know why?

It's because the bread HAS to be squished. It is the bread's destiny.

Now I am an intelligent woman with powers and knowledge that are uniquely superior to that of most guys. (Sorry men!) But why can't I outwit the universe? Why does the inevitable always find me and drag me to the town square buck nekked so that the populace can point and laugh and say "HA HA, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING!"?

Consider the following:

If I tidy up a room, it is INEVITABLE that there is a child, seconds behind me, wearing muddy shoes, carrying an overfull glass of grape juice and balancing a bucket of Honey-nut Cheerios on their head. This is true everywhere I go. Look for this child in the grocery store, the library, and at church.

If I am in a grand hurry, it is INEVITABLE that the car will be on empty, so I will stop at the gas station where it is INEVITABLE that I will run into an old high school flame while I am wearing my grubbies and have on no makeup and crusts of food on my shirt, and highschool-hottie will pretend not to notice how badly I've let myself go, but it is INEVITABLE it will come up later back at his swinging bachelor pad as he mentions it to all the stupid-but-pretty girls I used to know in highschool and they all squeal with glee and say "I KNEW IT!"

If I promise the kids peanut-butter and Nutella sandwiches for lunch, it is INEVITABLE that my husband already ate all of the pb, and the Nutella that I bought yesterday has slipped into the seventh dimension and is awaiting execution by some rogue alien task force/the time police. Also, the bread will be squished. (*see above)

If I have a headache, someone will INEVITABLY locate a high-pitched toy trumpet...

(Oh, and if I am writing my latest musings before the inspiration runs out, it is INEVIATABLE that the kkids will sho7w up and be riGht over mye shouldeR and bumping my eelbows so that me typing and concen1tration get screwwded up.)

I suppose its the universe's way of keeping us humble, so that we don't turn into evil dictators, false Gods or Republicans. The inevitable element keeps us human.

Yes, like the bread, we are meant to be squished. It is our destiny.


At 7:20 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

The answer to the squished bread problem would be 1) not to buy bread; 2) pack it in a hard container; or 3) not allow anyone else to touch it except you.

Of course, squished bread is our destiny just as being in the wrong place at the wrong time or wearing the wrong (dirty) shirt in the wrong place. Today I wore the clothes I had on when I mowed the lawn to go get food at a drive-through. No wonder the pimply-faced kid at the drive-through window looked at me like I was a Martian dropped down from outer space. (Maybe I had grass clippings in my hair that was sticking out in odd ways.)

It's also inevitable that when we try to make homemade won ton soup, little fingers will try to help. If they weren't there to help, we would be sorry.

At 1:26 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

gee, and here all this time I thought it was the little gnomes that roam the neighbourhood that do all these things!

(oh and fear not, for squishy bread is not relegated to just child filled households either!)

At 2:34 PM , Blogger bornfool said...

Kind of like the quote I put on my site. "All life is 6 to 5 against."

At 10:23 PM , Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Oh God!...I hope it's not my destiny. Not least I should wear my helmet and save one body part.

We always had squished bread...HAD squished bread. My husband takes it from the cash register, places it in the kitty seat of the grocery cart...Lays it all by itself in the back seat (other groceries in the trunk)...puts it in a plastic bread container and doesn't allow anyone to touch it. We don't have any kids either.

At 11:37 PM , Blogger jellyhead said...

You forgot that if you take a chance on an overcast day, and DON'T take the umbrella with you, it will TEEM with rain. (and if you take the umbrella, it will never, ever rain)

Very funny post Franny. You always make me laugh!


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