Friday, August 18, 2006

Perverts and Whacking

Multiple choice, test your knowledge:

If Franny wakes up late for work and breaks her toe on the corner unit and slips in the shower and has the kids all pooing themselves with the runs and spends the morning scrubbing shitty carpets and then dings the car in the parking lot and then gets flashed by a smelly pervert in a trenchcoat on the stairwell to her office, what do you think her reply is when the coworkers brightly say "lovely morning, isn't it"?

a) "The world is a pit of despair and we are food for worms. How are you?"
b) No reply. Just blood.
c) "I'm sorry, could you repeat that so I can laugh my ass off maniacally on cue?"
d) "Never a finer day!"

Answer at bottom of post.

Usually, I am the Queen of the Pokerface. Well, at work anyways. At home, the rewards for whining and complaining and mewling in despair are far too great. I mean, who wouldn't exaggerate when there is a warm, cuddly man willing to listen and assuage you with fast food? Eg:

Me: Everybody hates me. I'm a failure. At everything. And I'm fat too. And not just fat. Gross, disgusting, shut-in fat.

Hubby: Aww sweetie, *hug*, sounds like you need some Taco Bell.

At work, the reward for mewling wouldn't be quite the same:

Me: Everybody hates me. I'm a failure. At everything. And I'm fat too. And not just fat. Gross, disgusting, shut-in fat.

VP of Tech: Well, I suppose we could get you a bigger chair...

So, in conclusion, don't whine at work. But lately there have been questions. People have noticed that I am a bit cranky. I have been 'accidentally' biting heads off. Even when I try to be charming, it comes out the wrong way. Like when my boss tried to tell me not to worry about the deadlines, and I told her 'omg! deadlines rhymes with HEADLINES!' and then started laughing my ass off, and she backed away from me...verrry slooooowly...

I suppose I am a little tired, probably due to the ragweed season, and the conflict in the middle east and a lack of sleep due to excessive online whack-a-mole, (which I have gotten very good at. In fact, at real, carnival whack-a-mole, I have NEVER been beaten. Like really. I am the Whack-a-mole queen! I have an entire basement full of excessively large stuffed animals that I have won.). But, oh, I digress.

Tonight, sitter permitting, hubby and I are going out. Maybe that's all I need, a little WE time. We can have some Taco Bell, make fun of people that aren't us, and maybe, just maybe, find a carnival where I can Whack the shit out of some helpless little moles with that huge padded Whacker. AND, if I bring the scissors, and if we time it just right, that Whacker is coming home with me for the next person who pisses me off! I bet next week is gonna be smooth sailing!

See I don't need a shrink. No one does. All any of us really need is to get some sleep, and to carry a big Whacker.

Oh, and the answer is (d). Usually.


At 6:12 PM , Blogger MrsGreenThumb said...

Well, my dear, all I can say is none of these things will matter in a year. I also hate it when a little black cloud hangs over a day and everything goes wrong. Tommorrow will be a better day and hopefully you and hubby will find some things to laugh about.

You're right, no one wants to hear your complaining so it's better to "grin and say it's a great day."

At 6:46 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

I'll listen to your complaining any day! I'd rather you get it out of your system with someone who may not always understand, but will at least give you sympathy. That way you're not carrying it around with you when that next hapless person comes along and gets *whacked*. You're too gorgeous to go to jail!

At 7:37 PM , Blogger Motherkitty said...

If you do get that crazy whack-a-mole, I hope you take a picture and post it so we can share in your triumph. Have fun tonight eating at Taco whatever. Just remember, though, that all that fast food will only make you fatter and crankier.

Very nice post, Frannie. No, you don't need a shrink; you just need to tell your motherkitty all about it . . . that's a nice Frannie.

At 4:46 AM , Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Poor, Poor Franny...I sympathize with you...Let hubby take you out and pamper you...that always helps.

Sandy :)

At 9:10 AM , Blogger Bob said...

Yes indeed.... Taco Bell is the ultimate cure-all. I just loves the mexican pizza (if there is a location that still makes them).

At 8:02 PM , Blogger Mildanka said...

Seriously though ... somebody flashed you?? For real?? It is definitely time to start carrying a big Whacker!

At 9:21 PM , Blogger Mark Leslie said...

I love how you can take the shittiest of days and make it entertaining for us to read about. Three cheers for you!

(And I apologize -- I promise I'll stop flashing you . . . or at least get a new trenchcoat)

At 7:36 AM , Blogger Alipurr said...

hope you got to have that date at Taco Bell. That sure sounds like a bad day! Whew. I think it would be hard for anyone to feel lovely about the day after being lambasted like that.


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