Can and Can't

After two highly-medicated weeks flat on my back, I have had a lot of time to think and do a personal inventory. I proudly present to you (cue booming voice):

FRANNY'S LESSER KNOWN TALENTS AND SHORTCOMINGS!!!!

I can bring home the bacon (usually), fry it up in a pan, and then eat most of it before it hits the table.

I can't watch 2 guys kissing in a movie. I can't. I just CAN'T! I erupt in giggles and hide my face until it goes away. Sorry, I've tried.

I can twist my arms and legs in bizarre and unusual ways because I am "double jointed". I do a mean impression of a person who just fell to their death from a 20 story building.

I can't lose at 'whack-a-mole'. I know, I mentioned this before, but this is a talent that not enough people respect and admire. I am working to change that.

I can watch a movie without ever learning the character's names. It's always "the red haired guy", "the chick with the limp", "the bank-robber guy's kid", etc.

I can't pump my own gas. I used to, but I have since become a cougar and enjoy watching eager 18-yr-olds wait upon my vehicle. I also like my daughter's commentary about the pumper: "that man has pizza on his face", "that man has no hair", "that man's shirt is dirty"!

I can catch a fly with my bare hand. Chalk it up to those lightning-quick, whack-a-mole honed reflexes. (see above)

I can't get a needle without feeling faint. Something about sharp, pointy objects gives me an intense emotional reaction. Strangely, I am compelled to learn archery or fencing. When I was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC, I stood mesmerized by their sword collection for some time...the security guards were getting edgy.

Ok, so there you have it. Oh, and my apologies to pigs, homosexuals, suicide victims, plastic moles, movie producers, pimply-faced gas pumpers, flies and Met guards everywhere.

Come by and I'll fix you breakfast.