Friday, April 18, 2008

Ballad of the Trout

Lake trout for sale, frozen hard as a club
$5.50 a fish, just buy it, you'll love!
So the shopper she looked at that fish with a head
And a tail and a fin and some scales and real dead

And she said "I can do this, I'll clean the whole fish!
I'll bake it for supper! We'll try this new dish!
My husband will praise all my kitchenly skills
And I will have conquered the beast with the gills!"

So home came the fish, as long as her arm,
She defrosted it, laid it out, kept it from harm
She sawed off the head, (with a groan of disgust)
And snipped off the tail and the fins as one must.

She scaled that damn fish, right over the sink
But our hero, she wasn't prepared for the stink!
The house, the utensils, her hands smelled like trout
And trout is a smell that is hard to get out!

But battling on, she seasoned unhalted
Crushed lemon, tomatoes, black pepper and salted
She put it to bake, while the kids gave her hell
Saying "Mommy, please help us escape from that smell!"

And when it was done, it didn't look bad
Hubby ate it, and liked it, and then more he had
But when the chef sat down to sample her dish
She declared; "Ew! It tastes too much like fish."

So, now the house stinks, trout wafts in the air
The fish is long gone, but the smell is still there
$5.50 a fish, it seems such a waste
To slave for the trout and then not like the taste.

(Or the smell! *plugs nose*)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


I need to watch my language. As much as I try to be a nurturing mom, a stimulating mom, an everything-for-the-children mom, (aka: a "Good Mom"), my unadultered use of impolite expletives are rubbing off on the children, and making it all for naught. For example:

Good Mom: Look honey! It's a note from our friend Piglet, and he needs our help to find him! He's lost in the park and it's his naptime!

Daughter, age 4: HOLY SHIT!


Good Mom: We can't use your blanket tonight sweetheart, because you puked on it and mommy's washing it. But you can use mommy's blanket instead!

Son, age 4: Aw mommy, you're the effing best. *hugs*


Good Mom: And God bless grandma, and grandpa, and our teachers and- is there anyone else we'd like to bless?

Son, age 6: What about the asshole who cut us off at the light?


To keep my kids from being sent to the principal's office, I've decided to curse at my enemies and frustrating situations in a different language! For example, the next time I am cut off at the light, I can scream:
Da bi ti vse krave crknile! (Which is Slovenian for "I wish your cows will drop dead!")

Or, if I'm double-charged on my credit card statement:
Äitisi nai poroja! (Finnish, for "your mother copulates with reindeer")

And on those days that you need something EXTRA special:
Ssi v kompot, tam povor nogi moet! (Russian for "go urinate in the punchbowl while the cook is washing his legs in it"!)

Yes, I may be a vamadoola*, baa**, or a linguistic kaynay***, but at least I am not, nor ever will be, a complete kokëderr****.

*"wierdo" in Punjabi
**"crazy" in Thai
***"fool" in Tamil
**** ha ha, you'll never know!