Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Admit One

I took the kids to the doctor yesterday. She is an AWESOME doctor, and I love her to pieces. But let's do some quick math, shall we?

3 kids + 6 booster shots + 1 mom = (insert swear word here)

Yeah. I'm sure you understand. But that's not the worst part. Aside from the fact that my little darlins were stuck with metal rods in the thigh while I held them down, there's also the fact that I left the doctor's office with the wrong kids.

Yup. I'm sure of it.

See, I went in there with 3 healthy, perfect kids, (a credit to their mother's excellent parenting skills). I left there with one kid with a lazy eye, one kid overweight and one with flat feet.

We're practically a circus-freakshow now. I should charge admission for people to come see my gimped-up, horribly neglected, badly parented kids. (Am I taking this personally? NO!!! *jumps off cliff*)

I guess I feel a little stupid for not noticing these things and having the doctor (very gently) point them out to me. I always figured if they're not running a fever/throwing up/bleeding, BONUS! To me, the chunkiness was really "cute baby fat", and the flat feet were really "chubby baby feet" and the lazy eye was...well, honestly...I didn't see it until the doctor pointed it out. She said it was very mild, but STILL, you'd think I'd have noticed, right?

There's nothing like a nice cuppa guilt, early in the morning!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Where The Hell Have I Been?

Dear blog buddies,

I have been kidnapped.

Do not tell anyone.

Do not call the police or the Mounties.*

Several weeks ago I was accosted by a slim, white, 30MB male who threw me in his harddrive and drove me to the iTunes store. We ate cake there. I am still there and I cannot leave. It is very good cake.

Also, I have been chained to the laptop by three different alter-egos. They are insatiable. They torture me with plot-bunnies and make me write stories. They are addicted to the Thesaurus. I fear for my life: if I don't find the right synonym, I know I will die.

Please do not send ransom money. They will only buy cake and more thesauruses with it.

Once I find a way to overpower these terrible felons, I will escape/flee/run away/break out.

I love you all.


*Okay, call them. I tip well ;)

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Honor Among Thieves

I’ve never robbed a bank, cheated on taxes or even taken a pen that wasn’t mine. I’m of a conscience so strict that if I try a lipstick tester on my hand in the store, I glance about to make sure the clerk isn’t glaring at me in disapproval. But I’ve since discovered the dark side of my moon, and man, am I having a good time.

As with all stories about a hero’s downwards spiral into villainy, we must first start at the beginning: I just completed my Webmaster Certification, with Honors (92% average) and I received BOTH specialist designations: Web Graphics and Web Scripting. It’s like saying I can pat my head and rub my tummy while saving the universe from defective code with my eyes closed. I welcome your applause, because this was not easy for me – I had to twist my feeble little brain into new and unusual shapes every step of the way. I am already in a very digitally intense job, run a digitally-based business, and for Christmas I got my first 80 gig video iPod. I think you can see where this is going.

Franny has become a hacker.

Wait! Don’t call the Mounties! I didn’t start that virus or post your skanky homevideos to! But I can wield open source code like a sword! I fear no password, firewall or feeble (mwa ha ha) encryption! I can lift video from YouTube and convert it for my iPod! And the best part is, I’ll show anyone how to do it! But you must first prove yourself pure of heart, and respect the following:

Principles of the Hacker Ethic*:
@ Access to computers—and anything which might teach you something about the way the world works—should be unlimited and total.
@ All information should be free.
@ Mistrust authority—promote decentralization (I like this. So rebellious!)
@ Hackers should be judged by their skills to find information and to better mankind, not bogus criteria such as profit-generation, virus production or intimidation factor.

(*Hacker Ethic info stolen & modified from Wikipedia. Sorry dudes.)
Here are some recommendations for you wisdom seekers, that are totally legal and fun. For thousands of free e-books, check out Project Gutenberg. I can show you how to put these on your iPod or Blackberry if you want. For free music for Podcasts or ringtones or video production, try out Uhort. (It’s not an english site, but you can navigate using their neato system of icons. All they ask is an email informing them of your use of their music, and a link to where it is used if it is an online podcast.)

Thanks to the thousands of volunteers who are working to give us digital gold, (that isn't porn) free of charge. They're making the world a richer place, because in my opinion, knowledge is the real treasure.


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