I'm Not an Alcoholic but I Can Learn

Everytime I try to do something proactive and interesting with the kids, it always ends one of two ways: either someone throws a fit, or someone gets injured. The end product is the same, though - one (or more) child/ren is on the floor, screaming bloody murder. My life is sure to make the newspapers one day...

Music Time Violence
Violence erupted yesterday at the home of a local mom after supply and demand issues pertaining to musical instruments got out out of hand. "Family Music Time was supposed to be FUN", quoted Franny while standing outside of her home, chainsmoking. Details are yet to be confirmed by authorities, but witnesses say that Franny provided a box of small, musical instruments to her children with the intention of having them accompany her while she played the guitar. Evidence assembled at the scene included a tambourine, a harmonica, two maracas, miniature cymbals and a broken plastic recorder. "They all wanted the stupid recorder at the same time..." muttered the shell-shocked father, "they were screaming...they were fighting...no one wanted the other instruments...oh God, I tried to make them take the other instruments...". Franny denies having said where exactly everyone could stick the goddamn recorder, but has mentioned that plans for future "Family Music Times" are on hold indefinately. The children were not available for comment.


Turkey Tragedy
An innocent morning of make-believe turned bloody today when two preschoolers unexpectedly collided in their family home. "We were just doing a little play about turkeys! Ha ha ha, TURKEYS!!!" screamed their mother Franny, who is currently in a soft room awaiting psychiatric assessment. Investigators have pieced together the events that led to the incident. Franny had been reciting a poem about turkeys for her children, who were acting it out ("I have a turkey, big and fat, he spreads his tail and walks like that...") At approx. 10:15 am, she spoke the line "his daily corn he would not miss", during which point Nicky, aged 32 mos, lay on the floor to 'eat' his corn while his twin sister, bent over, 'pecking' her corn. The sister couldn't see where she was going and turkey-strutted right over her brother's face, giving him a cut tongue and a nosebleed. According to stunned neighbors, the resulting screaming 'woke the dead' and continued well past lunch time. A fund has been started to help the family purchase bubble wrap and helmets for their children, as well as a new carpet for the living room.

*sigh*

I'll bet now the title of this post makes sense!